My Valentine’s Letter

Hey Mikey/ Mikey/ Adam/ Benny/ Jamie/ Paolo/ Rusty/ Eddy/ Joshy/ Jacky/ Snakey/ Mikey/ Ezra-Pezra, Chrissy, Rostamy, Chrissy/ Chucky baby!

You are the love of my life. I promise I will stop marrying other people really soon. I am forever yours. It is almost St Valentine’s Day, only one week away. I hope you know me well enough to give me the following gift without me needing to prompt you.

• Chuck Bass = A romantic trip to Paris.
• Vampire Weekend = lets make out (chris baio keep your hands to yourself).
• Michael Cera = A mix tape of songs that remind you of me.
• Snake Eyes = Your face to be hidden from public view.
• Jack Peñate = Make me some music designed specifically for baking.
• Josh Thomas = A home cooked meal (but don't bring your boyfriend, that would make things awkward).
• Ed MacFarlane = A night of you and I dancing.
• Russell Brand = The answer to this question is all I am after. What brand of hair product you use? Oh actually can you introduce me to Macaulay Culkin? arr Mac.
• Paolo Nutini = Tell me you love me as much as I love you.
• Jamie T, Ben Kweller & Adam Green = An all ages show dedicated to me next time your in Brisbane, Australia.
• Michael Jackson = Your reincarnation or resurrection.
• Michael Jacket = Just your name. That is all I want from you.

All my love,

Your wife/cheating whore of a partner, Jasmine.

my eleventh husband

Mr and Mrs Darryl Phinnessee

my eleventh husband

Dear Darryl,

I love you so much. When I first saw you I actually cried. However not with joy, but with fear. I don’t mean to offend you, it is just that one time I was sunbaking by my pool and I was bitten by a snake. It was quite a traumatic event in my life. You know how grateful I am to you for helping me to overcome the constant fear I was living in. Your bulging eyes and musical talent taught me that I will be ok in this world. Just as you reminded me that MJ will be ok because he is in a better place now.

I will always remember those first tears.

Yours in fear,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee.