my thirty-third husband

my thirty-third husband

Dear Seth Cohen,

You may not exist beyond the year 2006, but I think I love you. I’m pretty sure if we ever met you would love me too. That may be impossible, but I just watched an episode of the OC where Ryan and Taylor go into some kind of alternate universe. Later tonight I think I’ll try falling off a ladder simultaneously with someone else making both of us enter a parallel universe where hopefully you and I are together. Wish me luck.

Love from Jasmine.

my thirty-second husband

Dear Ash,

Do you believe in love at first sight? Well you should because we are proof that it exists. I found out your name long after our bond was formed. The first time I saw you, you were at the bottom of my tumblr dashboard, I romantically scrolled down towards you and there you were gazing at me and only me. I waited for you to find me, but it must have too hard. I’ve tried googling “girls with curly hair” before and there are way too many photos of Disney channel stars and not enough of me. I resorted to googling “male models with tattoos” and that’s where I found you “Ash Stymest” born 31^st July 1991. The internet has guided us into a strong and healthy relationship. Who needs dating sites when you’ve got tumblr?

Internet you later,

Jasmine…

Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock-Weir-Garner-Hummel-Carter-Gaga-Hann-Mask -TDCC- Pierce-Stymest.

my twenty-ninth husband

Mr and Mrs Tuxedo Mask

my twenty-eighth husband

Mr and Mrs Callum Hann

my twenty-eighth husband

Dear Callum from Masterchef,

You are so cute in comparison to all your fellow competitors. I have always believed I would do well on Masterchef, despite my lack of technique or skill. Imagine if I had entered, we would have been a celebrity chef couple and starred in a television show called “Callum and Jasmine: Breakfast in Bed”. I don’t mean to impress you but I make a pretty mean vegemite toast. No one can quite master the butter to vegemite ratio like I can.

See you in bed,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock-Weir-Garner-Hummel-Carter-Gaga-Tim-Hann.

my twenty-seventh husband

This marriage I quickly had annulled. Mr and Mrs Tiny Tim.

my twenty sixth husband (my first wife)

Mrs and Mrs Lady Gaga

my twenty sixth husband (my first wife)

Dear Lady Gaga,

Telephone is currently the number one played song on my ipod. Everyone knows I have a weakness for Beyoncé. She is the best dancer on the planet (R.I.P Michael Jackson). I hope you collaborate with her more so that we can invite her over for dinner. Or even better Family Game Night.

At first I hated you and all that you stood for, however you proved yourself to me and now I am proud to call you my husband. You have the best clothes I have ever seen and your songs make me want to dance like crazy. I am hoping my friend Taylor will have a Gaga themed party, maybe you can come?

Love your little monster Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Carter-Rock-Garner-Hummel-Kenickie-Carter-Gaga.

my twenty fifth husband

Mr and Mrs Aaron Carter (circa 1997-2000)

my twenty fifth husband

Dear Aaron Carter (circa 1997-2000),

Due to the current overload of Bieber Fever I have been reminiscing over my childhood crushes and it seems you were my most dramatic. My best friend, December and I didn’t speak for a whole week in grade two because of a fight over which one of us was going to marry you. It seems I have won. TAKE THAT DECEMBER!

Yours preadolescently,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock-weir-Garner-Hummel-Kenickie-Carter.

PS. Both, you and your brother are hideous now. What a shame, you had such great potential.

my twenty fourth husband

Mr and Mrs Kenickie from Grease

my twenty fourth husband

Dear Kenickie,

I pretty much fall in love with anyone who plays you. I think it’s something to do with the bad boy attitude. When I was little I thought you were way hotter than Danny, my cousins begged to differ. Now that I am grown up, all my friends agree with me. See our High School drama production of Grease as evidence, after the performances every single female audience member had a thing for our Kenickie (Sorry Henry but it’s true).

Forget about Rizzo, 2010 is all about Jasmine and Kenickie.

So Kenickie, can I ride with you?

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Carter-Rock-Garner-Hummel-Kenickie.

my twenty third husband

Mr and Mrs Kurt Hummel from Glee.

my twenty third husband

Dear Kurt,

You have the voice of an angel. I promised myself I would not fall in love with anymore gay men… and then I met you. I love you for your great charisma, your immense talent, your loyalty to your friends, your strength of character and bravery, your great sense of humour, your individuality and your interior decorating skills. I know you like men but I have often thought of myself as a gay man trapped inside a straight woman’s body. So besides that small inconvenience, I feel that we are a great romantic match. Hopefully you will grow to love me for my big hair, my love of sparkles and bows, my iPhone iffy, my passion for Grease, my enjoyment for singing and my infidelity (I don’t mind if you sleep with other men also). If you require all romantic interests to be members of the Glee Club, I am willing to join.

Yours unfortunately without a penis,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Carter-Rock-Garner-Hummel.

my twenty second husband

Mr and Mrs Alan Garner from The Hangover.

my twenty second husband

Dear Alan,

I am glad you have welcomed me into your wolf pack. I can’t wait to grow old together and have a baby Carlos of our own. He will be the biggest Jonas Brothers fan in the world. In fact why don’t we have three and change our last name to Jonas? That would be classic!

Ok so I looked it up. You can stop asking me now. The next Halley’s Comet is predicted for 28 July 2061. So yeah it isn’t tonight like I said last night.

Whatever our name is I will always be proud to call myself Mrs Fat Jesus.

Love Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock-Weir-Garner.

my twenty first husband

Mr and Mrs American figure skater Johnny Weir!

my twenty first husband

Dear Johnny,

I love a man that can throw me in the air. I first knew I was in love with you when I saw your figure skating routine to Bad Romance. I am HUGE fan of Lady Gaga. Clearly our mutual love of Gaga means we are meant to be together forever. Also you wear sparkly outfits. I like that in a man. In fact I like that in almost anything. I can see our relationship lasting a lifetime; we have so much in common.

Love and Sparkles,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock-Weir

my twenty first husband

Just hanging out with American figure skater, ranked fourth in the world, Johnny Weir. I love him.

my twentieth husband

Mr and Mrs DJ Lance Rock from Yo Gabba Gabba!

my twentieth husband

Dear DJ Lance,
The first time I saw you take off your hat, I blushed. ;)
I live by your motto “dancing and listening to music is… AWESOME!!!”. You’re an amazing dancer. You have a kind of talent that not even my years of dance experience can achieve. I hope one day when you’re not so busy playing with dolls, you will teach me some of your moves. I know that you give away a few of your secrets when you do the “DJ Lance Dance”; however I know you are keeping the good stuff to yourself (like that leg kick). I don’t mean to make you feel like I only married you for your moves but what’s yours is mine now, so give it up!
Thanks,
From Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock.

my nineteenth husband

Mr and Mrs Thomas Mars from Phoenix

my nineteenth husband

Dear Thomas,

I was not expecting to see sparks last night, but the moment you spoke I forgot all about your resemblance to my uncle.

It was such an amazing show. One of the best I have seen. I danced like a maniac when you played ‘Consolation Prizes’, it’s one of my favourites. Oh and I should probably apologise for groping you on stage. I couldn’t control myself. And I’m sorry I touched your pants. I don’t usually act that way, so I guess it’s your own fault and I take back my apology. And actually, I’m not sorry away. I enjoyed it.

You have made my life complete.

Yours still in shock and satisfaction,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars.

PS. Next time you’re in Brisbane can you please play Rally.

my eighteenth husband

Mr and Mrs Jack Bevan from Foals

my eighteenth husband

Dear Jack,

We have divided your band amongst our friends and of which I have been assigned you. Well actually there are two of us fighting for you but as long as you like girls, I win.

It was love at first sight. Well honestly I discovered my love for you on a crazy night of internet stalking. So really it was love at first stalk. We have had some good moments, like that time we danced under the stars to my favourite album, yours. I wish there weren’t oceans keeping us apart. I know you wish the same. One time I almost went to see Edwin DJ at Neverland, just so I could feel closer to you.

Yours stalkily,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan.

It's Valentine's Day

You help make me who I am.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

The day is still young, don't let me down.

I love you baby.

Where is my gift?

I will kill you.

Personalize this video at HDgreetings.com - ecards and more

I’m in the Nick Jonas video! (Add yourself: http://www.hdgreetings.com/Nick )

My Valentine’s Letter

Hey Mikey/ Mikey/ Adam/ Benny/ Jamie/ Paolo/ Rusty/ Eddy/ Joshy/ Jacky/ Snakey/ Mikey/ Ezra-Pezra, Chrissy, Rostamy, Chrissy/ Chucky baby!

You are the love of my life. I promise I will stop marrying other people really soon. I am forever yours. It is almost St Valentine’s Day, only one week away. I hope you know me well enough to give me the following gift without me needing to prompt you.

• Chuck Bass = A romantic trip to Paris.
• Vampire Weekend = lets make out (chris baio keep your hands to yourself).
• Michael Cera = A mix tape of songs that remind you of me.
• Snake Eyes = Your face to be hidden from public view.
• Jack Peñate = Make me some music designed specifically for baking.
• Josh Thomas = A home cooked meal (but don't bring your boyfriend, that would make things awkward).
• Ed MacFarlane = A night of you and I dancing.
• Russell Brand = The answer to this question is all I am after. What brand of hair product you use? Oh actually can you introduce me to Macaulay Culkin? arr Mac.
• Paolo Nutini = Tell me you love me as much as I love you.
• Jamie T, Ben Kweller & Adam Green = An all ages show dedicated to me next time your in Brisbane, Australia.
• Michael Jackson = Your reincarnation or resurrection.
• Michael Jacket = Just your name. That is all I want from you.

All my love,

Your wife/cheating whore of a partner, Jasmine.

my seventeenth husband

Mr and Mrs Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl

my seventeenth husband

Dear Chuck,

I recently went on a family holiday to a beautiful beachside town. We swam in the crystal clear waters, we shopped at all the boutiques and we ate buffet style meals every single day. It was HELL ON EARTH! The only reason I did not hang myself was because of your bow ties and your company via television screen. I do not think you, Chuck Bass, wear too much purple. I would say just the perfect amount. I would like to thank you, Chuck Bass, for spending so much time with me and apologise for all the terrible things I have said about the actor that portrays you. It is not his fault that he radiates joy.

I look forward to spending more quality time with you, Chuck Bass, during season three and listening to you say your name over and over and over.

Chuck Bass, I will love you until someone better comes along,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass

my thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth and sixteenth husbands

i love my husbands's new song, and film clip, they just brightened my afternoon.

my thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth and sixteenth husbands

Mr and Mrs Ezra Koenig from Vampire Weekend.

Mr and Mrs Rostam Batmanglij,

Mr and Mrs Chris Tomson and

Mr and Mrs Chris Baio.

my thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth and sixteenth husbands

Dear Vampire Weekend,

The other day I was sitting at home. Alone. Bored out of my mind. You know, the usual. And what was that there on the television? An interview with no other than your-handsome-selves! After watching it 8 or 9 times I realised that I couldn't wait to watch it again. This could mean only one thing, I am in love with you all. Desperately, there could be no one else for me but you, we are soul mates, love love love, eternally yours, ALL OF US FOREVER. Well, all but you almost bald one, to be honest, I only like you as a friend. Ezra Koenig, Chris Tomson, Rostam Batmanglij and Chr... Chris Baio. That is a list of Vampire Weekend in order... order of preference.

With varying amounts of love,

Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio