Have you been wondering what i've been up to/who i have been marrying?
All my LOVE,
Dear Friend, My maiden name is Jasmine Anstee. These are the stories of the loves of my life. I probably love you too. Most likely yours, Jasmine Anstee
Dear Lady Gaga,
Telephone is currently the number one played song on my ipod. Everyone knows I have a weakness for Beyoncé. She is the best dancer on the planet (R.I.P Michael Jackson). I hope you collaborate with her more so that we can invite her over for dinner. Or even better Family Game Night.
At first I hated you and all that you stood for, however you proved yourself to me and now I am proud to call you my husband. You have the best clothes I have ever seen and your songs make me want to dance like crazy. I am hoping my friend
Love your little monster Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Carter-Rock-Garner-Hummel-Kenickie-Carter-Gaga.
Dear Aaron Carter (circa 1997-2000),
Due to the current overload of Bieber Fever I have been reminiscing over my childhood crushes and it seems you were my most dramatic. My best friend, December and I didn’t speak for a whole week in grade two because of a fight over which one of us was going to marry you. It seems I have won. TAKE THAT DECEMBER!
Yours preadolescently,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock-weir-Garner-Hummel-Kenickie-Carter.
PS. Both, you and your brother are hideous now. What a shame, you had such great potential.
Dear Kenickie,
I pretty much fall in love with anyone who plays you. I think it’s something to do with the bad boy attitude. When I was little I thought you were way hotter than Danny, my cousins begged to differ. Now that I am grown up, all my friends agree with me. See our High School drama production of Grease as evidence, after the performances every single female audience member had a thing for our Kenickie (Sorry Henry but it’s true).
Forget about Rizzo, 2010 is all about Jasmine and Kenickie.
So Kenickie, can I ride with you?
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Carter-Rock-Garner-Hummel-Kenickie.
Dear Kurt,
You have the voice of an angel. I promised myself I would not fall in love with anymore gay men… and then I met you. I love you for your great charisma, your immense talent, your loyalty to your friends, your strength of character and bravery, your great sense of humour, your individuality and your interior decorating skills. I know you like men but I have often thought of myself as a gay man trapped inside a straight woman’s body. So besides that small inconvenience, I feel that we are a great romantic match. Hopefully you will grow to love me for my big hair, my love of sparkles and bows, my iPhone iffy, my passion for Grease, my enjoyment for singing and my infidelity (I don’t mind if you sleep with other men also). If you require all romantic interests to be members of the Glee Club, I am willing to join.
Yours unfortunately without a penis,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Carter-Rock-Garner-Hummel.
Dear Alan,
I am glad you have welcomed me into your wolf pack. I can’t wait to grow old together and have a baby Carlos of our own. He will be the biggest Jonas Brothers fan in the world. In fact why don’t we have three and change our last name to Jonas? That would be classic!
Ok so I looked it up. You can stop asking me now. The next Halley’s Comet is predicted for
Whatever our name is I will always be proud to call myself Mrs Fat Jesus.
Love Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock-Weir-Garner.
Dear Johnny,
I love a man that can throw me in the air. I first knew I was in love with you when I saw your figure skating routine to Bad Romance. I am HUGE fan of Lady Gaga. Clearly our mutual love of Gaga means we are meant to be together forever. Also you wear sparkly outfits. I like that in a man. In fact I like that in almost anything. I can see our relationship lasting a lifetime; we have so much in common.
Love and Sparkles,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars-Rock-Weir
Dear Thomas,
I was not expecting to see sparks last night, but the moment you spoke I forgot all about your resemblance to my uncle.
It was such an amazing show. One of the best I have seen. I danced like a maniac when you played ‘Consolation Prizes’, it’s one of my favourites. Oh and I should probably apologise for groping you on stage. I couldn’t control myself. And I’m sorry I touched your pants. I don’t usually act that way, so I guess it’s your own fault and I take back my apology. And actually, I’m not sorry away. I enjoyed it.
You have made my life complete.
Yours still in shock and satisfaction,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan-Mars.
Dear Jack,
We have divided your band amongst our friends and of which I have been assigned you. Well actually there are two of us fighting for you but as long as you like girls, I win.
It was love at first sight. Well honestly I discovered my love for you on a crazy night of internet stalking. So really it was love at first stalk. We have had some good moments, like that time we danced under the stars to my favourite album, yours. I wish there weren’t oceans keeping us apart. I know you wish the same. One time I almost went to see Edwin DJ at Neverland, just so I could feel closer to you.
Yours stalkily,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass-Bevan.
Hey Mikey/ Mikey/ Adam/ Benny/ Jamie/ Paolo/ Rusty/ Eddy/ Joshy/ Jacky/ Snakey/ Mikey/ Ezra-Pezra, Chrissy, Rostamy, Chrissy/ Chucky baby!
You are the love of my life. I promise I will stop marrying other people really soon. I am forever yours. It is almost St Valentine’s Day, only one week away. I hope you know me well enough to give me the following gift without me needing to prompt you.
- Chuck Bass = A romantic trip to Paris.
- Vampire Weekend = lets make out (chris baio keep your hands to yourself).
- Michael Cera = A mix tape of songs that remind you of me.
- Snake Eyes = Your face to be hidden from public view.
- Jack Peñate = Make me some music designed specifically for baking.
- Josh Thomas = A home cooked meal (but don't bring your boyfriend, that would make things awkward).
- Ed MacFarlane = A night of you and I dancing.
- Russell Brand = The answer to this question is all I am after. What brand of hair product you use? Oh actually can you introduce me to Macaulay Culkin? arr Mac.
- Paolo Nutini = Tell me you love me as much as I love you.
- Jamie T, Ben Kweller & Adam Green = An all ages show dedicated to me next time your in Brisbane, Australia.
- Michael Jackson = Your reincarnation or resurrection.
- Michael Jacket = Just your name. That is all I want from you.
All my love,
Your wife/cheating whore of a partner, Jasmine.
Dear Chuck,
I recently went on a family holiday to a beautiful beachside town. We swam in the crystal clear waters, we shopped at all the boutiques and we ate buffet style meals every single day. It was HELL ON EARTH! The only reason I did not hang myself was because of your bow ties and your company via television screen. I do not think you, Chuck Bass, wear too much purple. I would say just the perfect amount. I would like to thank you, Chuck Bass, for spending so much time with me and apologise for all the terrible things I have said about the actor that portrays you. It is not his fault that he radiates joy.
I look forward to spending more quality time with you, Chuck Bass, during season three and listening to you say your name over and over and over.
Chuck Bass, I will love you until someone better comes along,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio-Bass
Dear Vampire Weekend,
The other day I was sitting at home. Alone. Bored out of my mind. You know, the usual. And what was that there on the television? An interview with no other than your-handsome-selves! After watching it 8 or 9 times I realised that I couldn't wait to watch it again. This could mean only one thing, I am in love with you all. Desperately, there could be no one else for me but you, we are soul mates, love love love, eternally yours,
With varying amounts of love,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera-Koenig-Tomson-Batmanglij-Baio
Dear Michael,
Thanks for going steady with me. We are a cute couple. I really like you a lot. I like that you’re nerd hot. I like that you always play the same awkward character in every film you’re in. I like that you have a little face and a big nose. I like the soundtracks to all your movies. I like how you smile while you’re talking. I like a lot of things about you. What do you like about me?
Love Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee-Cera.
Dear Darryl,
I love you so much. When I first saw you I actually cried. However not with joy, but with fear. I don’t mean to offend you, it is just that one time I was sunbaking by my pool and I was bitten by a snake. It was quite a traumatic event in my life. You know how grateful I am to you for helping me to overcome the constant fear I was living in. Your bulging eyes and musical talent taught me that I will be ok in this world. Just as you reminded me that MJ will be ok because he is in a better place now.
I will always remember those first tears.
Yours in fear,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate-Phinnessee.
Dear Jack,
I usually don't like pretty boys but I like the way you do it. I don't really like hats but when you wear them, I do. I don't like the colourful outfits compiled by gay boys but when you wear them, I do. I don't really like facial hair but it suits you so I do. I don't like hip hop music but when you're dancing to it, I do. I'm glad we got married and you said I do (even if someone "mysteriously" slipped you a rufie and you have no memory of it).
Yours creepily and suspiciously,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas-Peñate.
Dear Josh,
I like to stalk you online. I don't mind that you look like Benjamin Button. You can make me dinner anytime. I'm really sorry you got kicked off masterchef. At least you have the apron to remember it by and the sweet sweet memory of cooking for Matt Preston.
I will love you long after our union is annulled.
Yours without your permission,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane-Thomas.
Dear Ed,
At first I wasn't sure of our love, then I saw you dance.
Yours longingly,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand-MacFarlane.
Dear Russel,
Remember that time we punched that owl in the stomach? A sweet moment. You are a sweet guy. Also you are the biggest whore I have ever met. I like you because you get around more than I do. I know you are not capable of fidelity, I think now is the time to tell you that Paolo and I are getting back together. I hope I haven't hurt your ego too badly.
(Not really) yours,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini-Brand.
Dear Paolo,
I am sorry that your relationship with Terri Brogan didn't work out. However look what you have gained. Me. I like your friends, especially the one that peed on your face and old mate in his undies, good times good times. My fondest memories of you and I are the lazy days we spend together in
Yours truly, madly, deeply,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T-Nutini.
Dear Jamie,
I am using you for your pronunciation and careless use of the word "weather".
Yours honestly,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller-T.
Dear Ben,
I'm poisonous like a poisonous mushroom.
Yours temporarily,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green-Kweller.
Dear Adam,
Your lyrics touch me. It's like you know me so well. It’s true, I am an eye sore in that red dress. You came into my heart. And you will never leave. (My name is Jasmine not
Kinds regards,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson-Green.
Dear Michael,
As issues between me and my first husband became problematic (such as distance, age and not knowing his name or anything about him) you were there as a shoulder to cry on. I don't care that people call you Wacko Jacko to me you are only a man that can dance well. I like that you can wear leotards and get away with it, that is why I will always love you.
You rock my world,
Jasmine Jacket-Jackson.
Dear Michael,
Our wedding day was the best day of my life. I watched you in the dark as you danced into my heart. Your red jacket represents the fire in my soul, burning only for you. I wish I knew your name.
Eternally yours,
Jasmine Jacket.